Seeking Cerulean

It is officially the end of an era folks. I have gracefully left my 20s in the past, thankful for all the heartbreaks, hard decisions, and happiness that I eventually found. As I enter my 30s, all I can think about is how grateful I feel for everything I have today. If my 20s were filled with insecurities and self-doubt, my 30s shall be filled with confidence in myself and my decisions; everything that is meant to be, will be. I used to ruminate on things I said or did in the past – even things that happened years ago would constantly bubble to the surface and forefront of my mind. Maybe it comes with age, but I fully believe everything I have done was for a reason, even if the reason is not fully clear to me yet. My mom used to tell me that God has a plan for everything and closed doors or missed opportunities are often protecting us from something we can’t see (i.e. spilling coffee on your shirt causes you to be late for work, but what you don’t see is the careless driver that would have been pummeling down the highway at the same time as you, eventually resulting in a 5 car pileup, landing you in the ICU – dramatic example, but sometimes you need a little drama to get the picture).

For those that have known me throughout my 20s and/or follow me on social media, thank you for witnessing my journey and growth throughout the years. I truly hope that I have inspired, helped, or motivated at least one person to take risks, care a little less what people think, and live a life that is authentic and true to you. I’m sure a lot of people think I am cringey or an over-sharer (both true), but something Gordon told me one day when I felt small and insecure really resonated with me and is something I continuously remind myself in moments of self-doubt. He said, “People that have negative things to say about you will never have the courage or confidence to put themselves out there like you, and therefore, they will always live a life that’s ‘just okay’. They will always want more, but will never have the fortitude to achieve their dreams.” I don’t want and have never wanted anything that is “just okay”. I refuse to settle for mediocrity or average or ordinary. Today, as a fully fledged 30 year old taking flight into this next decade, I promise to always strive for the extraordinary and when I feel any inclining of self-doubt, I will look back at my 20s and remember all that I accomplished in just 10 years.

To commemorate my day of birth, below are 3 lists of 10 things:

1. 10 favorite memories from my 20s
2. 10 things I am grateful for today
3. 10 bucket list items for my 30s

Again, thank you for being a silent fan (or a silent hater) on my silly little journey called life.

10 favorite memories from my 20s

1. Graduating college and giving my Dad a UC Davis sweatshirt. He cried when I gifted it to him, which of course, made me cry. My dad was the sole provider of our family for the majority of my life. His time spent away from us used to feel like he missed out on so much, but I think in that moment we both realized the anthology of all my childhood experiences (made possible by my father), led up to that proud moment for him.
2. My first time out of the country – Thailand 2019. As a serial long-term girlfriend, it was my first time being single in years; I was rebuilding friendships, relearning things I loved to do, and stepping out of my comfort zone. I went to Thailand with 3 of my girlfriends and made so many lifelong memories that I will always cherish. Bathing a baby elephant, eating plates of pea shoots with our meals to counteract all the alcohol and noodles we were consuming, and getting bruises all over my body from jumping off Bob’s Booze Cruise ship (which was commandeered by a man named Chicken). Still one of my favorite places I have visited to this day.
3. Making new friends. Cheers to all the lifelong friends I made in my 20s – you know who you are!
4. Saying yes. I said “yes” to so many things in my 20s that I have zero regrets about. Wanna dye your hair blonde? Yes. How about dying your hair pink? Yes. Wanna go to Vegas? Yes. Wanna go downtown and drink an entire punch bowl to ourselves? Yes. Wanna take a yoga or barre or pole class with me? Yes. Wanna hop on this motorcycle? Yes. Wanna go to the club tonight even though you already took off your makeup and you’re tired as shit? Yes. Wanna go on a date with me and then eventually become my wife? 1000 times, yes.
5. Moving in with Gordon. I used to say I would never live with a man until I was married. I guess when you find “the one”, you start to realize that a lot of “nevers” were only for the men that didn’t matter. Everything changed with him.
6. Getting Chicken. I grew up with 3 dogs and I adopted Biscuit because I missed having animals so much. Biscuit will always be my first born, but raising Chicken in my little studio apartment from a puppy to an adult, moving him to a bigger apartment, and then finally moving him to our house and seeing him run in a big backyard will always be some of my favorite memories.
7. Airbnb staycations. When Covid was rampant in the world, Gordon and I still tried to have “vacations” by booking Airbnbs in different cities and exploring. We used to take note of all the things we liked in each Airbnb and would say “we’ll have that in our home one day.” Our house now is a compilation of all the things we promised ourselves we would have.
8. Leaving Poshmark. I’ll always be so grateful for my 5 years at Poshmark, but I knew I had outgrown it and I wanted more. More money, more responsibility, more challenges. I could have chosen to stay and be comfortable, but I took a risk and left for a role that made me grow more than I ever could have if I stayed.
9. Moving to Roseville. A lot of people had a lotttt to say when we told them we were moving to Roseville. “It’s so far”, “But all your friends are here”, “What’s even out there?” – Thankfully, Gordon and I never base our decisions on others’ opinions. We chose this city and this home because we have a vision for our future. I love that we both would rather choose to start over and build a life of our own rather than stay stagnant and always wonder, “what if?”
10. Getting engaged. I found my soulmate and soon, I get to marry my best friend.

10 things I am grateful for today

1. The health of our families
2. The year long break I had from working
3. My new job
4. Chicken walking
5. All the friends I made the past year in Roseville/Sacramento
6. Gordon
7. Our home – it’s my favorite place in the entire world
8. Our friends – good friends are hard to find and rare to come by
9. Good hair – sounds trivial, but boy did I have myself a rollercoaster ride of a hair journey in my 20s. I love my new haircut and I finally learned to embrace my natural hair color.
10. The most perfect birthday week, celebrating my “quiet”. Thank you to the love of my life for always making me feel so special.

10 bucket list items for my 30s

1. Have the dreamiest, most fun, love-filled wedding celebration with our friends in Bali
2. Become a mother; give our parents a grandchild and my grandparents a great-grandchild
3. Move my parents closer to us; buy a house for them
4. Eat balut in the Philippines (I actually love balut, but nothing like eating a Filipino delicacy in the land of your people)
5. Travel to Grasse and take a perfume creation workshop
6. Go on a big group trip with our closest friends (domestic, international, staycation, whatever – I just want to celebrate friendships that last throughout my 30s)
7. Host a big birthday party for myself. This is definitely out of my comfort zone, but I want all the joys from discomfort and saying “yes” in your 30s!
8. Create multiple streams of income. I get paid to make Tik Toks occasionally, but in my 30s I will make Tik Tok one of my most lucrative streams of income.
9. Go to Coachella and/or EDC for the first time
10. Take my parents on a nice, all expenses paid vacation – Lord knows they deserve it

If you made it this far, I love you.

And to me in the future, I love you too.